My PITA mother called. She want me to visit for the entire summer. Do I look crazy? OK, so I do look crazy, but it's just the hair. There is no way in hell that I'm going to hang with my family all summer. I don't hate my family, I just don't like them.
But they need me there for the big wedding. I'm not the bride, so my presence wouldn't be missed, but whatever. My stuck up cousin Hoochie is getting married to a gay man. We will call him Tony. I know he's gay, my family knows he's gay. The whole freakin' free world knows he's gay. That is everyone except for Hoochie and Tony. This wedding that will result in a divorce in just a few short years (because eventually even Tony will break down the closet door) requires my attendance.
I have received a shower invitation. Not only is my presence needed, my gifts are too. Since Tony has been living alone for a few years, and Hoochie was previously engaged, they have everything needed to set up house. Since I'm a super marvelous person, I have searched high and low for the perfect gift. I think that I have finally found the perfect gift. McDonald's gift certificates. Go ahead and laugh you know you want to. But I put a lot of thought into this. Hoochie doesn't cook, because Hoochie doesn't eat. Not because they are too poor to buy food, but because Hoochie is afraid of a little thing we call fat. I guess I have a soft spot for Tony, and I figure that he would prefer McDonald's to starvation.
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