Thursday, April 29, 2004

Damn the forums

Why are my beloved forums not here for me? I need them to entertain me and keep me busy. Without that distraction, I get into trouble. Big trouble. I was bad, very bad.

Credit cards and boredom do not mix.

The forum free day started out innocently enough. I played Literati. Yeah, I know what your thinking. Why would a spelling impaired girl like myself, play a scrabble game? Why!? Surely she must always lose. I will have you know that sometimes I win. Not often, but sometimes.

When I tired of playing, I read blogs. Lots of blogs. I made comments in blogs. I cursed. I read to the kidlets. I checked the forums again. Then I cursed again. This is where I had a stroke of genius, shopping was what I needed. Lot's of internet, don't leave your house, sit on your ass shopping. So I shopped. I spent money. Too much money. But on the bright side, my house will smell fruity, and I will be wearing some very cool shoes. While I turn my huge collection of photos into DVD slide shows.

I even bought something for DH, but SHHH! it's a surprise. ;)

Wednesday, April 28, 2004

Blogrolling

I have been working on my blog. Tweaking it, if you will. I spend more time looking for shit to add to the blog then I do writing blog entries. In order to make it nicer. I do it all for you. Heh Anyway, I find a link to blogrolling.com while reading Katie's blog. I join blog rolling. It says it's easy. If you can copy and past you can add blogrolling to your site. Wrong. It's lies, all lies. I read about RSS, XML and all sorts of other shit. I can't get the god damn blog roll thing to work like I think it's supposed to. Damn the blogrolling.


Tuesday, April 27, 2004

I'm a big girl now.

Today was an excellent day. I got an email from DH, that always puts me in a good mood. The sun was finally out which made the day warm and beautiful. The kidlets were well behaved. They ate their diner without complaint. They didn't fuss or argue with each other. Tater and Satan even cleaned up the mess they made.

Since they were behaving so well, I broke out the new sprinkler. Big mistake on my part. Our already saturated yard is now a mud hole. Other than that, it was an excellent day.
Earlier in the day, I took Satan and registered her for preschool. In her entire 3 1/2 years this has been her bestest day ever. Let me tell you the story.
Since the beginning of the school year, she has been begging to ride the school bus with Tater. Every morning I hear, "mommy, when can I go to school too?"
And every morning I say, "you can go to school when you're a big girl." Then much whining takes place and I have to hear "I not a baby, mommy."
Then today, the day Satan has eagerly waited for. We visit the school. She sees the class rooms, and meets some of the teachers. Sees some children napping. She is excited. Thrilled. The big goofy smile that she is wearing says it all. Suddenly a light bulb goes off, and Satan happily announces to one and all, "I'm a big girl now, YAY!"




Monday, April 26, 2004

DH called

DH finally called. I was doing my happy dance.

I hate that he tries to down play the danger. Tells me "things aren't that bad here." Right after telling me that they get mortar attacks every fucking day, and that some female soldier committed suicide. Sounds like a lovely vacation doesn't it?

He put in for his leave. Woo Hoo I hope it gets approved. I am so looking forward to seeing him.

*Warning the rest of this entry is nothing more than a hate filled rant. *

He told me to make sure that I don't tell anyone about his leave because we will need that time. YAY! I was all set to threaten his life if he told his family. Because I know that Marie would find a way to be here. That would be bad. Very bad. Ugly, angry bad. Can you tell that I'm still angry with Marie? The stupid bitch.

Get this, DH's sister emailed DH to tell him that I was nice and called Marie on Saturday. That seems innocent and not so bad. Until she added, "It's not like they expected anything like that from her, but well, let's just leave it at that." What the fuck was that all about? Didn't expect what? That I would act in a manner different than they would? That my head is not up my ass? That I am not an immature dipshit that thinks the world revolves around me?

Let me say this, I hate Marie. Truly. I know that hate is a waste of time and energy. For the most part, I am a hate free person. I experience displeasure, dislike, disgust, and all sorts of other negative emotions. But hate? Not so much, until these last few months. I have put up with a lot of shit over the past 12 years from that woman. I have always tried to be the bigger person, and take DH's feelings into consideration since the stupid bitch is his mom. At this point in my life I am no longer able to play nice with her. She over stepped her bounds, and I am finished with her. I have enough stress in my life. I refuse to keep her selfish, childish games in my life.

Sunday, April 25, 2004

Saturday, April 24, 2004

Day from hell

Today has been the day from hell. Shortly after waking up, I received a call for Sgt. D's wife. She sounded very sad. This confused me. She slowly begins to tell me that 4 soldiers in Taji have been killed. Followed by a LONG FUCKING PAUSE. OK, I'm sane and I know that loved ones aren't notified about a service members death through the FRG. But at that very moment all rational thought left my head. My heart sank, and I could not breath. Horrible thoughts entered my head.

Finally after what seemed like an eternity, she said, "But it was no one from our unit." Pure and sudden relief hit me, but that was short lived. I feel over joyed that it wasn't DH, but this seems wrong to me in a way. Almost like I'm seeking happiness in the misery of others.

Just like the helicopter pilots that died last week. Robin was nice enough to get the information for the funerals out to all of us. She even included maps. How could I go to these funerals? I would be there among grieving friends and family members. All the while thinking, I'm glad that its your loss and not mine. This is wrong on so many levels.

In spite of felling like total shit, I was nice and called the in-laws, whom I despise. I figured they would be watching the news, and they had been. Marie was crying, because it's all about her all the time, the stupid bitch. I let her know that DH wasn't among the dead. She thanked me for calling. Then she quickly hung up because she was getting ready for company. Reason #678,320,484,358,923 why I'm glad that I live 22 hours away from any family members.

Friday, April 23, 2004

Blondie lied.

Blondie called me several weeks ago to inform me that Hoochie had it all. All being every freaking kitchen gadget one could own. From waffle iron to Longaberger recipe box. And that I would be wasting my time and money buying anything on the registry. This is why I was brain storming and came up with the McD's gift certificates. Anyway, Hoochie had a Home Interior party last night at her new apartment. CJ went. CJ instant messages me this morning saying "um, your sister is a big fat liar." Well, she didn't use those exact words, but I know how to read between the lines.

CJ isn't blood, and doesn't carry that dreaded I would rather die than tell the truth gene. So of course I believe CJ. Apparently Hoochie does need all the shit that is on her registry. I want to kick my sisters ass. Since I live in TX and she lives in OH, this will be quite difficult. I need plane tickets. Since I haven't the money to purchase plane tickets. Please donate to my Kick Blondie's Ass fund. For your convenience I use paypal.

DH, I will give you the Survivor highlights later. I am sad because there are only three episodes left.


Wednesday, April 21, 2004

Chickens feeding ducks

As you know, I'm the bestest mom ever. So when the kidlets begged me to take them to McDonlad's for dinner. I said "yes." Then when the added "and to the park to feed the ducks?" I again said "yes." This was going to be a great afternoon.

I know you must be thinking, children that beg to go to the park to feed the ducks, must love ducks. Right? Wrong. Tater and Satan wouldn't get out of the van. In fact, they were only rolling the window down a crack and throwing out a little bit of bread. Then they would hurry to roll the window back up, before the killer ducks attacked them. Fang and I were not in the van, and strangely we were not being attacked by the killer ducks.

Wanna know the best part? I have pictures. Pictures of two little chickens throwing bread out a crack in the window to ducks. Not just any ducks, killer, eat small children alive ducks. It's moments like these, that make me happy to own a camera.


Tuesday, April 20, 2004

Air guitar for world peace.

I didn't make this up. This is for real. http://www.omvf.net/ilmakitara_eng.html

The purpose of The Air Guitar World Championships is to promote world peace. According to the ideology of air guitar playing all war and disease would cease to exist and all bad things would disappear if everyone in the world only played air guitar. This is why at the end of every competition all people in the world are invited to play air guitar simultaneously.

So I ask you to please break out the old air guitar. Put new strings on if you must, and promote world peace.

A rant

I keep seeing a poem, from a military wive to other military wives, that is driving me insane. It basically states that we are not to speak freely our thoughts of the president and the war on terror. I am sickened by the fact that so many have the attitude that in order to support the troops, you must blindly follow the current administration.

FYI It is possible to support the troops, critize the current administration and oppose the war on terror all at the same time. Here are some organizations that do just that.

http://www.mfso.org/

http://www.veteransforcommonsense.org/

http://www.veteransforpeace.org/

http://www.patriotsforpeace.org/

http://www.vaiw.org/vet/index.php

http://www.citizen-soldier.org/

http://www.vvaw.org/

In case you haven't seen this poem it goes somthing like this.
A military wife is eating dinner alone, at a steak house. Missing her dh who is deployed. When what to her virgin ears should she hear. People (in a free country, mind you) speaking aloud their opinions on Iraq and the president. Her panties quickly become twisted. She proceeds to throw a tantrum, in the restaurant. It is a free country so I suppose throwing a tantrum is her right, but what I am hoping is that she just had the day from hell. The kids were being extra naughty or something. Anyway, visions of war protestors begin to dance not so merrily through her head.

She gets up and saunters over to the other diners table. She shouts at them. Telling them that they should not speak in this manner because her dh is fighting for their freedom. IF the other restaurnts patrons were Iraqis, this statement would ring true. Never mind that she and the other diners are in a free country. I think this is irony, but I would have to check with the queen of irony at the isle. Heh

At this point I am thinking, if anyone were to do this to me, while I was enjoying my dinner. The can of whoop ass that I keep in my bag would be opened. Then I would probably say something really stupid like "this is what freedom is all about bitch".

Sunday, April 18, 2004

Hoochie and the gay man

My PITA mother called. She want me to visit for the entire summer. Do I look crazy? OK, so I do look crazy, but it's just the hair. There is no way in hell that I'm going to hang with my family all summer. I don't hate my family, I just don't like them.

But they need me there for the big wedding. I'm not the bride, so my presence wouldn't be missed, but whatever. My stuck up cousin Hoochie is getting married to a gay man. We will call him Tony. I know he's gay, my family knows he's gay. The whole freakin' free world knows he's gay. That is everyone except for Hoochie and Tony. This wedding that will result in a divorce in just a few short years (because eventually even Tony will break down the closet door) requires my attendance.

I have received a shower invitation. Not only is my presence needed, my gifts are too. Since Tony has been living alone for a few years, and Hoochie was previously engaged, they have everything needed to set up house. Since I'm a super marvelous person, I have searched high and low for the perfect gift. I think that I have finally found the perfect gift. McDonald's gift certificates. Go ahead and laugh you know you want to. But I put a lot of thought into this. Hoochie doesn't cook, because Hoochie doesn't eat. Not because they are too poor to buy food, but because Hoochie is afraid of a little thing we call fat. I guess I have a soft spot for Tony, and I figure that he would prefer McDonald's to starvation.

Saturday, April 17, 2004

The neighbors are skeerd.

Much to my surprise, Satan and Tater were playing like good siblings do. Tater was calling Satan the normal run of the mill school yard names, like ding dong head. Satan was laughing hysterically and saying, "No, you a ding dong head." This good natured ribbing lasted for just a few minutes. Because Satan quickly tired of the name calling, and screamed at the top of her lungs. "I not a ding dong head. I Satan!" No wonder the neighbors avoid us.

In case your wondering her real name isn't Satan, but she does answers to it.

Thursday, April 15, 2004

Survivor and hemorrhoids

Tonight is Survivor night. I so look forward to this each and every week. For I am a Survivor addict. I want Boston Rob to win. I hated him the first time, and his Boston accent annoys the hell out of me. This time around, I'm cheering him on. He cries like a girl, how sweet is that? He cried when Ambah had to go to the other tribe. He cried when he read his letter. He is such a girl, and I'm pretty sure he is half squirrel. This time around, he is playing the game like a pro.
I was very happy that Kathy the bitch was voted off. I hope Big Tom is next. Big Tom gives me the creeps, in a deliverance kind of way. I can picture him saying, "I'm gonna make you squeal like a pig."

My hemorrhoids were driving me insane tonight. Thoughts of child abuse were dancing through my head. I have told them on numerous occasions, "No jumping on the trampoline if it's wet because it is slippery, and someone will fall off and get hurt." So what do the little geniuses decided to do. Put the water hose on the trampoline, turn the water on full blast, and proceed to jump. I screamed at them, and made them go in the house. Much whining took place. I finally get everyone cleaned up, and I figure that a nice evening of TV watching was to be had.

Wrong. Tater and Satan were fighting like siblings. I asked them nicely to stop. I then told them to stop or else. Finally I yelled at them, and sent them to bed early. You would think they would listen at least some of the time.

Tomorrow, I shall inform them that they are grounded for the weekend. And that they will be eating left overs instead of pizza hut for dinner. Sucks to be them.

Wednesday, April 14, 2004

Assholes and artwork

I want to purchase, and display this art work. I'm thinking above the mantle would be a good place, because a piece like this needs to be where people can admire my good taste.

Tuesday, April 13, 2004

Burks and sharing ducks.

The kidlets were not so good to me today. I was trying to be super mom. I wanted to expand their minds, and let them interact with other kids. No, not any old place would do, I took Satan and Fang to the public library. I knew that story hour is Tuesdays and Fridays at 10 AM. Being me, I was running late as always. Which meant that I had to bust my ass to get them ready and out the door, if we can get to the library in time for story hour. I get Satan all pumped up about seeing kids. Satan is a social butterfly being held back by living in a neighborhood where she is the only kidlet her age. Thoughts of playing with other children get her super excited. The entire drive to the library I hear "I play with the kids. Mommy, I play with the kids." Not sure if she was asking me or telling me.

We make a mad rush to the library. Upon entering I see a big yellow poster that says Come join us for story hour. Monday and Wednesday at 10:30. I was wrong. I have disappointed Satan, and I feel like a dumbass. I tell Satan that we missed story hour. She is not happy. She procedes to give me the evil eye. Until she decides we need princess burks. Lot's of princess burks. That's right, burks not books. Where did she pick up this accent? I don't know. After much searching for the perfect princess burks. Satan is beyond picky, and not any princess burks will do. Satan says, "Um, I have a good idea. My needs a Bob the Builder burk. " GRRRR
Satan and puberty will not be a fun.

While we were on our burk search. Fang was sitting at the kidlet size table, holding a book upside down while jabbering away. He is my baby genius, able to read already. heh He would do this for about a minute. Then he would get down out of the chair. Walk over to me. Give me a big slobbery baby kiss, say "uh you" (that's baby talk for love you) Then he would go sit back down. He did this for a good 10 minutes. He is such a mama's boy. Getting him married off is going to take a lot of effort.

When Satan finally became bored with the library. She made a very loud announcement, "Mommy, I need a hamburber." Meaning, I'm starving, take me to McDonald's now, it's the least you can do since you didn't feed us breakfast.

After a quick trip to McDonalds, and a pit stop at home to pick up our stale bread. We went to the park. Satan was so very happy. Thrilled. Until she started getting pissed at the big ugly duck that was being a pig. She starting saying things like "Don't do that, that's not nice. Share like a big girl. You a pain in my ask." LOL

Not only do I say bad words, the kidlets are picking up on it. For some reason DH thinks this is bad.

Beer and sex. What could be sweeter?

I have a new favorite drink. I haven't actually tried it yet, so I don't know if its any good. I just want to be able to say, "I will be having some TommyKnocker JackWhacker." When people ask me what I would like to drink. heh Is that not the funniest thing ever? Or maybe I'm just easily amused.

The mail was good to me today. I got not one, but two letters from DH. One was long as hell. He wrote me a sex letter. Woo Hoo, but now I am shamed. Because the sex letter I sent him went like this. You. Me. Hot. Horny. Sex. My so called letter was a long paragraph. hehe I didn't waste any time. DH's letter was 13 pages long and full of detail. Very planned out and thoughtful. He loves me so. He also lust after me because I have a big black girl bootie. Lust + bootie = true love.

Monday, April 12, 2004

1st post at blog city.

Well, this is my second attempt at a blog. I tried blogger, it was OK. I really have nothing else to judge the quality of a blog site on. Other than my own craziness. That's right I'm crazy. Not in a I need to seek mental help kind of crazy, but in a foolish unrestrained way.

I have a big problem. Huge. I call it open mouth insert foot syndrome. I say what I think as soon as I think it. Which basically means that I provide much entertainment for others. If I'm not pissing them off of course. They often walk away and say "that crazy bitch." Hence the name of my blog. Well, it was a toss up between potty mouth and crazy bitch. Perhaps I should have used potty mouthed crazy bitch. Nah, that would have been to wordy.

I can't spell to save my life. Do not bother pointing this out to me. I know I can't spell. If you point it out, you won't be providing constructive criticism. You will be poking fun. Then I would in turn have to make fun of you. It wouldn't be pretty. It would cause me to break out "my dad can beat up your dad" or something equally ridiculous.

In case you haven't noticed, I use commas liberally. Meaning, I, put, commas, everywhere. You are probably asking, did she not learn how to use a frekin' comma in school? Indeed I did, but I am a rule breaker. A rebel. If I feel the need for a comma, then a comma, I will use. Strangely or not I never use semi colons.

Please add comments telling me how much you love me. If love isn't your emotion of choice. Use adoration, esteem, worship, lust, regard, piety, yearning, infatuation. Bet you didn't think I knew a word like piety. I will have you know that I am smarter than the abundant use of commas makes me look.

Oh yeah, I am happily married to DH. He is my dick head. I love him so, because he is hot. I'm shallow. I also have three kidlets. Tater, Satan and Fang. Tater is 10 and he is in 4th grade. Satan is my 3 1/2 year old evil princess. Evil being the key word. Fang is the baby, he is 13 months old and cuddly as can be. He gives me slobbery kisses and big hugs.